Research over the past 20 years found that our society has five primary expectations about what makes a “good mother” and these expectations are often unattainable and overwhelming, and perpetuate inequities:
- The Present Mother is physically nearby and highly attentive to her child so that she knows what her child needs and wants.
- The Future-Oriented Mother uses her time and financial resources to provide a nurturing environment—like healthy foods, recreational activities, and stimulating educational opportunities—to secure her child’s successful development.
- The Working Mother adjusts her work commitments so that they do not disrupt her family responsibilities.
- The Public Mother reflects to the world that she is in control of her body, the way she parents, and her child.
- The Happy Mother is content with her parenting role and how she is raising her child.
It is no wonder why “mom guilt” is so pervasive—mothers are asked to try to be all of these things all at once. “Mothers’ emotional responses to conflicting normative expectations can be negative, and may even compromise mothers’ well-being,” explain the researchers.
What helps moms to be well? Further research has shown that mothers’ well-being is primarily driven by their investment in their children and their role as a mother. Rather, there is a consistently strong tie between a moms’ well-being and her level of social support.
Moms who feel personally supported tend to feel less anxiety, depression, stress, and loneliness, and more life satisfaction and fulfillment. Four important personal supports that nourished moms:
- Unconditional acceptance: Do you feel seen and loved for the person that you are?
- Reliable comfort: When you are deeply distressed, do you feel comforted in the ways you need?
- Authenticity in relationships: How much of the “self” do you show to others—is your “outer self” very much the same as your “inner self”?
- Friendship satisfaction: How satisfied do you feel about the frequency of visiting with your friends?
If you want to make mom friends in your neighborhood, consider these few tips:
- Take action: Put yourself in an environment where people meet regularly.
- Be vulnerable: Take a chance to share the “truest parts” of yourself. This shows trust and care to someone, which can invite them to show you their capacity for love.
- Find ways to be generous: Share a meal with someone, offer support to help them with their own goals, spend time together, or take them to the airport.
- Show love: Greet a friend with affection, let them know you’re thinking of them, and celebrate their good news with them.
Of course, being a mom has both highs and lows. It is important for moms to know that we’re not alone and to be connected to other moms who can lift us up when we’re experiencing the hard parts of parenting.