As a new school year begins, many students are already thinking about grades, test scores, sports, college admissions, and extracurricular activities. We often hear from families in McLean who are looking for ways to navigate the achievement culture common in the DMV area. This emphasis on achievement and success may be driven by external influences, such as messages from family members, teachers, and peers, as well as internal factors like perfectionism and anxiety.
Here is the tricky truth: Achievement can be a healthy source of motivation and confidence. However, problems can arise when achievement becomes the primary metric of success and personal value. Students who feel overwhelmed by achievement culture may push themselves beyond their limits to ensure success, often at the expense of their well-being and mental health. Some students may also begin to avoid challenges due to a fear of making mistakes or struggle to enjoy activities that are not tied to performance (like rest!).
The good news is that everyone can play a role in helping young people develop a healthier relationship with achievement. Whether you are a parent, teacher, coach, or friend, here are some helpful strategies for navigating achievement culture.
Praise Effort Over Achievement
There is nothing wrong with celebrating accomplishments. However, when we only praise achievement, students may begin to feel that they are only valued when they achieve a measurable outcome, such as a good grade, making a team, or winning an award. Over time, this can subtly reinforce that their worth is tied to performance.
Instead, try focusing on praise for effort, persistence, and problem solving that led to the outcome. For example, rather than saying, “I am so proud of your A,” you might say, “You worked really hard to learn that material. Congratulations!.”
This principle can extend to other areas of performance as well. For example, try making it a point to recognize qualities and choices that have nothing to do with achievement. Praise your child for being a supportive friend, showing kindness to others, persevering through a challenge, or even taking a break when they need one! The more young people can learn to find value in who they are, not just what they accomplish, the more likely they are to develop a healthy lasting sense of confidence and self-worth.
Family Challenge: At dinner each night, ask your child to share something they are proud of from their day or week. Encourage them to include both external accomplishments (such as completing a project or scoring a goal) and internal successes (such as showing kindness, trying something difficult, or taking care of themselves). Model this practice by sharing your own examples as well.
Be Mindful of the Questions You Ask
Sometimes, we may reinforce achievement culture without realizing it. One simple way to shift the focus is to play close attention to the questions you ask your child each day. If conversations consistently focus on achievement and performance, students may begin to believe that these are the most important aspects of their lives.
Instead of leading with, “How did you do on the test?” or “What grade did you get? try asking, “What did you learn today?” or “What was interesting about your day?” These questions can communicate genuine interest in your child’s experiences, thoughts, feelings, and interests, not just their achievements.
Normalize Mistakes
High achieving students often have a difficult time coping with mistakes. If your self-worth comes from your achievements, a mistake can feel deeply personal and catastrophic. Remind your child that setbacks, disappointments, and failures are expected parts of learning and growth.
Encourage your child to embrace challenges as opportunities rather than threats. Help them understand that growth often occurs when things do not go as planned and resilience is built by overcoming obstacles, not avoiding them.
For students that struggle with perfectionism, it can be really helpful to gently practice tolerating imperfection. Consider encouraging small, low stakes opportunities to let go of the need for everything to be perfect. For example, what would it feel like to double check your work one less time before turning it in? What would it feel like to try a new activity without the expectation of “perfecting it” quickly? Understand that your child may resist these challenges, but with time and your support, they can learn that mistakes are a normal and an exciting opportunity for growth.
Encourage Your Student to Value Balance
Many students in high-achieving communities have struggled to make time for rest, fun, or relaxation. They may feel pressure to be productive at all times and come to believe that rest is unproductive or undeserved. Over time, this mindset can lead to stress, exhaustion, and burnout.
One of the most effective ways to help your student find a healthy sense of balance is to model it yourself. When children see trusted adults making time for rest, relationships, hobbies, and self-care, they learn that these activities are not distractions from success, but are rather essential components of a healthy and sustainable life.
Takeaways
Remember, by helping your child navigate achievement culture, you are not asking your student to stop caring about their success, nor are you asking them to stop working hard. Working toward goals, developing skills, and taking pride in accomplishments are important parts of development. The goal is not to lower expectations, but to help children understand that their worth extends far beyond any grade, award, or résumé.
As the school year begins, consider what messages your child receives about success and achievement. Consider how you might incorporate some of these strategies throughout the year.
